In any committed relationship, trust is the foundation that keeps the partnership strong. However, when betrayal occurs, it can feel as though that foundation is crumbling. Betrayal in a relationship is often seen as a breach of trust or a violation of the agreement between partners, and it’s not always clear where the line is drawn. The question becomes: what counts as betrayal, and how do we process it in a way that helps the relationship heal?
What Counts as Betrayal?
Betrayal can take many forms in a relationship, and it doesn’t necessarily mean a physical affair. The core element of betrayal is the violation of trust, which can look different for every couple. For some, it may be an emotional affair, dishonesty about finances, hiding important aspects of one’s life from their partner, or even subtle forms of disrespect. Each couple has their own boundaries, and what one person may deem as betrayal, another may not. However, it is important to acknowledge that if one partner feels betrayed, their feelings need to be taken seriously.
Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, leading relationship experts, emphasize that betrayal can deeply affect the emotional connection between partners. In their research, they identify how violations of trust undermine the shared goals and mutual respect in a marriage. Betrayal doesn’t always occur because one person intentionally set out to harm the other, but when it does, it can leave lasting damage that requires attention and healing.
Processing the Betrayal
If you’re in a relationship where betrayal has occurred, the first thing to understand is that processing the hurt is essential to moving forward. Often, we feel tempted to immediately move past the betrayal by focusing on why it happened or placing blame, but that approach can trap us in a cycle of resentment. The hurt needs to be acknowledged, validated, and worked through before any true healing can happen.
While it’s helpful to understand the context that led to betrayal such as feeling lonely, disconnected, or neglected in the relationship, this does not excuse the behavior. Yes, there are always underlying emotions and unmet needs that might drive someone to act out of line with their commitments. But, as relationship expert Shirley Glass points out in her work on infidelity, there are always alternative ways to communicate and address those needs. The key is to remember that there were other choices available, choices that, if communicated properly, could have been opportunities for both partners to reconnect and address issues before they escalated.
When betrayal occurs, the first step is to sit with and acknowledge the hurt. For the partner who has been betrayed, this means not just brushing aside their feelings in an effort to move on but truly processing the emotional wound that has been created. For the one who has committed the betrayal, it involves taking full responsibility for their actions without deflecting or minimizing the impact.
Clearing the “Bottleneck” of the Betrayal
The most crucial aspect of working through betrayal is processing the emotional pain in a way that clears the bottleneck it creates in the relationship. This bottleneck can prevent any further progress in the relationship, blocking open communication, intimacy, and trust-building.
It’s important to understand that, during this phase, therapy may feel one-sided. The partner who has been betrayed may need extra space and attention to process their feelings, while the partner who committed the betrayal may need to take a step back and truly understand the hurt caused. This doesn’t mean the other partner’s feelings and needs aren’t important, it’s just that the first step is addressing the deep wound so the couple can eventually work together toward healing and rebuilding.
Take Action Today
If betrayal has impacted your relationship, it’s time to take the next step toward healing. Don’t let the hurt go unprocessed- work together to clear the bottleneck and create the space for trust and connection to grow again.
Book your session now to start working through the pain of betrayal and begin rebuilding your relationship with understanding, compassion, and mutual respect.
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