Ever find yourself in a heated argument with your partner over something as small as how the carrots were cut or when the lawn should be mowed? You’re not alone. Many couples fight over trivial things, but what’s really going on beneath the surface?
When small things build up—like dishes being done “wrong” or cutlery not being put away as you prefer—it can feel like trying to work without the right tools or order. It’s not really about the dishes or the cutlery; it’s about what’s underneath.
The Gottman Method teaches us that behind every complaint is a longing or unmet need. When we argue over seemingly trivial things, it’s often because a deeper emotional need isn’t being addressed.
For example:
The fight about cutting carrots the “wrong way” might reflect a need for order or familiarity.
The argument over the lawn might hide a desire to feel like responsibilities are shared.
Disputes about the dishes might stem from a need to feel appreciated or noticed.
Sometimes, these needs are shaped by how we grew up. Perhaps we feel safe when things are done a certain way, or maybe we’re trying to break away from the chaos of our upbringing. Or maybe, we need to know our partner has simply listened and heard what's important to us.
Whatever the reason, these deeper feelings often drive our reactions to the small stuff.
Understanding the “why” behind the argument can make a world of difference. Once you uncover what you and your partner truly need, you can work together to meet those needs instead of clashing over the surface issue.
If you’re tired of arguing over the little things, Brisbane Couples Counselling can help. Using the Gottman Method, we’ll guide you in identifying those deeper needs and teach you how to communicate effectively, so you can stop fighting and start connecting.
Book now at 3876 2100 or email info@brisbanecouplescounselling.com to take the first step toward a happier, healthier relationship. Don’t let small issues become big problems—let’s work on them together.
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