How to Navigate Discernment Therapy for Couples Considering Separation

Michelle Janssen
Apr 26
3 min read

Updated: 2 days ago

Have you ever felt stuck in your relationship, unsure whether to stay together or separate? If so, you're not alone. Many couples face this dilemma, especially those in their 30s and 40s, overwhelmed by emotional turmoil and uncertainty. This is where discernment therapy comes in. It provides a structured way for couples to reflect on their feelings and make informed choices about their future.

Discernment therapy is not just about fixing problems; it's about understanding your relationship and what you both want. This approach can guide couples towards healing or a peaceful separation. Let’s explore how discernment therapy works and its benefits for couples grappling with difficult decisions.

What is Discernment Therapy?

Discernment therapy is tailored for couples who are uncertain about their relationship. Unlike traditional therapy, which aims to resolve issues, discernment therapy helps partners clarify their feelings and motivations regarding their relationship.

The goal is to ensure each partner understands their perspective while discussing reasons for their dissatisfaction. Through this process, couples gain insights that foster honest communication.

How Does Discernment Therapy Work?

The process unfolds in a series of structured conversations, guided by a trained therapist, to facilitate self-awareness and reflection.

Step 1: Initial Meetings

In the initial meetings, each partner individually shares their concerns and desires. For instance, one partner might feel neglected, while the other might feel overwhelmed by financial stress. This step helps both partners articulate their views, making it easier to understand differing perspectives.

Step 2: Evaluation of the Relationship

Next, the therapist helps each partner assess the relationship's strengths and weaknesses. For example, while one partner may feel unappreciated, the other might highlight the positive aspects, such as shared family experiences. Identifying both sides allows for a more balanced view, which is essential in decision-making.

Step 3: Individual Reflection

After evaluation, couples engage in individual reflection. They consider whether they want to pursue traditional couples therapy or take the step toward separation. We discuss what each partner is willing to take responsibility for - what part or role do they acknowledge in where the relationship has gotten to? We then discuss - what are you willing to commit to and not commit to? We have some honest conversations about ambivalence - that we may not be sure about whether the relationship will work out - and that's okay - but are you willing to genuinely try and work on the relationship for a set period of time?

Step 4: Decision-Making

Finally, partners come together to share their insights and make decisions about their next steps. They may choose to work on the relationship more deeply, consider a healing separation, or agree on a permanent separation. This collaborative decision-making promotes mutual respect and understanding.

Benefits of Discernment Therapy

One of the main benefits of discernment therapy is its emphasis on clear decision-making over quick fixes. By guiding couples to reflect on their options, it often leads to a more peaceful resolution, whether that means staying together or separating.

Research has found that couples engaging in discernment therapy report a 70% increase in communication and understanding, which fosters a more open dialogue around challenging subjects. This process not only encourages better conversations but also lays the groundwork for healing, whether together or apart.