Struggling to Share the Mental Load? Here’s What Might Be Missing

Sharing the mental load in a relationship can feel like an uphill battle. Maybe you’ve tried practical tools like a shared calendar, a chore list, or even popular toolkits like Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play book and card system. Yet, despite your best efforts, it seems like nothing is working. Why? Often, it’s not just about the tasks—it’s about understanding and empathising with your partner’s experience.

The mental load refers to the invisible labor of managing household tasks, schedules, and responsibilities.

Why Understanding Comes First

Think of dividing the mental load like building a house. The tools—calendars, chore lists, and systems—are your hammer and nails. But without a strong foundation of mutual understanding, the house won’t stand for long.

Ask yourself:

• Do I really understand how my partner experiences the mental load?

• Are they feeling overwhelmed, unseen, or unsupported?

• Have we had a conversation about our emotional experiences with these tasks?

• What’s the story behind their frustration or reluctance to take on a specific chore?

When couples skip these steps, the tools they use often fail because the emotional disconnect remains unresolved.

How to Start the Conversation

1. Start with Empathy: Set aside time to listen without interrupting. Ask questions like, “How does managing this task make you feel?” or “What’s the hardest part of carrying this responsibility?”

2. Acknowledge Each Other’s Contributions: Validation goes a long way. Even if tasks aren’t evenly divided yet, recognising your partner’s efforts can reduce tension.

3. Collaborate on Solutions: Once you understand each other’s experiences, revisit tools like Fair Play together. Discuss how tasks can be divided in a way that feels fair, not just equal.

Moving Forward

Sharing the mental load is about more than delegation—it’s about working as a team. When you focus on understanding and empathy first, the tools become far more effective. If this is resonating with you, check out our FAQ or SERVICES AND FEES to find out more.

Also, consider, if you have children - how has the relationship and the mental load changed? "We Didn't Fight Until We had Kids" is a phrase I often hear in therapy sessions. Sound familiar?

If this struggle feels insurmountable, Brisbane Couples Counselling can help. Fill out our contact form here: CONTACT US

Call 3876 2100 or email info@brisbanecouplescounselling.com to book a session today. Let’s work together to lighten the load and strengthen your partnership.

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