We Didn't Fight Until We had Kids

Becoming a parent is one of the most profound shifts you’ll experience in life. If it feels like you and your partner are arguing more or struggling to stay connected since having kids, know that you’re not alone. This is a common experience as couples navigate their new roles and identities.

Struggling to Share the Mental Load? Here’s What Might Be Missing

Building a New Foundation

Think of your relationship like a house. Before kids, you likely spent time laying a solid foundation: shared values, routines, and ways of communicating. Then, the baby arrives, and suddenly it’s like someone’s handed you blueprints for a massive extension. You’re excited but also overwhelmed. You may not agree on how to design the new rooms or even which tools to use to build them.

Parenting introduces a philosophical shift that impacts every aspect of life—your priorities, routines, and even your sense of self. The Gottman Institute’s research highlights how this transition often leads to increased conflict, with many couples experiencing a decline in relationship satisfaction after a baby’s arrival. Similarly, Elly Taylor, author of Becoming Us, describes parenting as a developmental journey that reshapes both individuals and their partnership.

Mourning the Life You Had

It’s normal to mourn the loss of your pre-kids identity. The freedom to stay out late, focus solely on your career, or even have uninterrupted conversations might feel like distant memories. Acknowledging these feelings doesn’t mean you don’t love your new life; it means you’re human.

Parenting is also full of surprises—both good and bad. Perhaps it’s more exhausting than you imagined, or maybe it’s brought unexpected moments of joy. It’s okay if it’s not what you expected; finding your “new normal” takes time.

Communication Is Key

Parenting is very much a learn-on-the-job experience, and navigating it as a team requires open communication. Share your feelings with your partner, even the tough ones: “I miss who we were before kids,” or “I’m struggling to adjust to this new role.” These conversations create space for understanding and connection.

Creating a New Blueprint

To reduce stress and arguments, work together to design your new life:

• Make time for each other. Even a 10-minute check-in each day can help you stay connected.

• Normalize the challenges. Everyone struggles—acknowledge that this is part of the journey.

• Seek support. Tools like the Gottman's Bringing Baby Home program and Elly Taylor’s Becoming Us offer guidance for navigating these changes.

Finding Your New Normal

Building a life as parents takes time, patience, and teamwork. There will be bumps along the way, but with open communication and mutual support, you can create a home that’s not only functional but filled with love.

If parenting has put a strain on your relationship, Brisbane Couples Counselling can help.

Call 3876 2100 or email info@brisbanecouplescounselling.com to book a session. Let’s work together to strengthen your foundation and build a fulfilling new chapter.

Not ready to make a booking? Check out our FAQ or SERVICES AND FEES page to find out more.